Wednesday, January 7, 2015
mommyhood in makeup: Child Lost.
mommyhood in makeup: Child Lost.: My situation is unique. I am not a child of divorce and I am not a child of loss. True, My parents are divorced. True, My dad is alive. Also...
Child Lost.
My situation is unique. I am not a child of divorce and I am not a child of loss. True, My parents are divorced. True, My dad is alive. Also true, he is not allowed to contact me because of the circumstances. It was his bed, he made it, now the family has to lay in its pieces. I guess you could call me a child of abuse, and that wouldn't be a lie. I am twenty five years old, no longer a child and have a child of my own. I am strong now, even on my weakest days, I am strong. So I don't identify with a child of abuse, I am no longer that child. I am a survivor.
But I was lost, I am lost. If you are anything like me you may understand that I needed explanations, and reasons, and scientific backing as to why or how a father could be such a monster. I needed an apology, an admission, my whole life was upside down, shredded, poisoned. My view of myself was tarnished, beaten, and thrown away. I watched friends have their dads at proms,graduations, college drop off, college graduations, weddings....oh the weddings, births of their children, baptisms, father's days, and it shredded me.
My dad is out there, he is alive, and because of what he chose to do there will never be a time or place for those things I longed for that my friends have. I was saddened and some days I still am sad inside, and I guess that may never go away. But I am happy, I am happy that man will never be around me or my child or future children or their's ever. Some days you can't help but being that sad, scared, cowering, confused child and in that moment you are lost.
It is a confusing situation so many emotions, very raw, deep, to the core emotions. One could see how you could get lost in all of it. No matter how lost you get, you need to be able to find your way back out. That is what makes us the survivor that we are, in any type of abusive situation, not just ones like mine.
It is the support system around us, the love that our friends and family pour on us, the amazing spouses still standing by our sides no matter the baggage we bring. It is the bond between mother and child where no matter what kind of "lost" day we are having they bring us back into the present and it is wondrous. I am always appreciative of the (in my personal opinion amazing) life I call to be mine. Life is good. My love is ever flowing.
But I was lost, I am lost. If you are anything like me you may understand that I needed explanations, and reasons, and scientific backing as to why or how a father could be such a monster. I needed an apology, an admission, my whole life was upside down, shredded, poisoned. My view of myself was tarnished, beaten, and thrown away. I watched friends have their dads at proms,graduations, college drop off, college graduations, weddings....oh the weddings, births of their children, baptisms, father's days, and it shredded me.
My dad is out there, he is alive, and because of what he chose to do there will never be a time or place for those things I longed for that my friends have. I was saddened and some days I still am sad inside, and I guess that may never go away. But I am happy, I am happy that man will never be around me or my child or future children or their's ever. Some days you can't help but being that sad, scared, cowering, confused child and in that moment you are lost.
It is a confusing situation so many emotions, very raw, deep, to the core emotions. One could see how you could get lost in all of it. No matter how lost you get, you need to be able to find your way back out. That is what makes us the survivor that we are, in any type of abusive situation, not just ones like mine.
It is the support system around us, the love that our friends and family pour on us, the amazing spouses still standing by our sides no matter the baggage we bring. It is the bond between mother and child where no matter what kind of "lost" day we are having they bring us back into the present and it is wondrous. I am always appreciative of the (in my personal opinion amazing) life I call to be mine. Life is good. My love is ever flowing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)